Philadelphia: Day One

I’ll take “Places There’s No Really Good Reason I’ve Never Been To” for $500, Alex…

At least I don’t think I’ve been here… it’s entirely possible that Mom loaded us in the family truckster at some point in my early formative years and dragged us through all of the historical things one does with kids, but I don’t remember it. And for certain I’ve never been here as an adult. One of my favorite things is to kidnap Bob and make her go do nerdy history things with me, so after assuring that she wouldn’t report me to the authorities for abducting her, I made reservations and swept her away for a long weekend in the 6th largest city in the United States. (Fun facts included free of charge.)

This is my fist Air BnB experience… if it’s representative of how it works all the time, I’ll do it again. Here’s the view from our 15th floor apartment (near Rittenhouse Square for those of you who realized that there’s no good reason not to have visited Philadelphia before I did and remedied that and have some functional knowledge of the city): (Note: I did this before Bob woke up because she was more than a little squeamish about me hanging out the 15th floor window to take a picture.)

After extensive consultation with the Google, Reading Teminal Market seemed like a good place to start… it’s close to the nerdy historical stuff and there’s food there. Lots and lots of food. Do I really, really want a smoked turkey leg, 11 lbs. of ox tail, three red snappers a gummy eyeball and a durian? Nope. Do I absolutely love the idea that if I wanted a smoked turkey leg, 11 lbs. of ox tail, three red snappers a gummy eyeball and a durian, I could find them all under one roof? Damn straight I do.

If sensory overload is something you worry about, you might want to think twice. But even then, I’d suggest you fight through it and stroll through… it’s unlike anything I’ve seen. Imagine if Chelsea Market met a mall food court and they went to a farmer’s market together, and while they were at the farmer’s market someone gave them magic mushrooms and they hallucinated that they were in Time’s Square.

It’s a lot. But it’s a good lot.

There’s an entire store of jerky. Mostly beef, but chicken, venison, turkey, duck and alligator also made appearances. And while “Hotter Than Lava Turtle Jerky” feels to me like it has nearly unlimited marketing potential, I decided to pass in favor of preserving my digestive tract as we headed off to more nerdy historical pursuits.

If you’re in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell seems like a perfectly logical place to start doing historical things… so off we went. I was mildly surprised to be subjected to a security screening that stopped just shy of rubber gloves… I’ve had third dates with less groping.

Satisfied that I was without a means of mass destruction on my person, the security guard finally let me through and we wandered off through the history lessons on the bell and all it stands for. Does anyone else remember learning that the Liberty Bell was the bell that rang to signal the 2nd Continental Congress’ vote for independence and that it cracked while ringing in memory of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Marshall when he died?

Yeah, lies… Both of them, lies. No mention of a bell ringing to signal independence until about 70 years after the fact, and nobody is really sure when it cracked. “Sometime between 1817 and 1846” is the best anyone can figure. History teachers, man… apparently you can’t trust any of them.

I have some thoughts on the “liberty” associated with the Liberty Bell, but they’re for a different time and place.

Having glued the shattered pieces of my historical knowledge back together with a Caramel Apple Pie cookie form Insomnia Cookies (which delivers until 3am, in case you have an early morning emergency), we walked to Elfreth’s Alley, a historical neighborhood dating back to the early 1700’s. It’s a lane of about 30 houses, mostly historically intact (and privately owned, which baffles me) . Houses built for 1700’s people are not in any way similar to houses built for 2019 people. I’m sure some historical liberties have been bent (because, apparently that’s what we do… I’m looking at you Liberty Bell) but they’re essentially structurally unchanged from their 1700’s form. Very cool place though….

Next we moved on to Betsy Ross’ house (don’t even get me started on Betsy Ross history and the whole flag nonsense). What I DID learn though, is that apparently one of the leading causes of death among men in Philadelphia during the late 1700’s and early 1800’s was being married to Betsy Ross. Seriously… four husbands, all dead while married to her. No mention of this in any history books…

Bob did find an entirely appropriate sign to be photographed with at the Betsy Ross House:

So then, we did the most Philadelphia thing you can do, and sweet jesus am I glad we did.

Two words: “Whiz, wit.”

One more stop along the way for the day, again a very “you have to do it” Philadelphia thing:

A stop at the very unique Philadelphia boutique called “Target” for some supplies put a bowtie on the day and we called it quits. Having the foundations of your historical knowledge smashed to smithereens is tiring… maybe tomorrow will bring some more affirming history our way.